Your Summer Movie Roundup (Kinda On Time)
I meant to get this out at the beginning of May… but then I forgot that I wanted to write it. So here we are slightly more on time than last year. Your 2015 summer movie round up where I will tell you what to see and what not to see based on very little hard evidence (except in the case of the summer movies that already came out). My word is not law—except in one state I’m not allowed to talk about—so if you aren’t happy with where a movie ends up don’t take offense, there’s no real evidence I know what I’m talking about. Someone should remind me to do my 2015 Holiday Season Round Up too.
Don’t Go See It:
The summer is as full of worthwhile blockbusters and daring once in a blue moon movies as it is with shit low hanging fruit hoping to capitalize on the swell in box office numbers. Don’t go see movies that fall in the latter category. These are those movies:
The odd, and unwittingly offensive casting choice aside this movie just looks bad. It’s both a cliche story and a boring one. A movie with no stakes that is over an hour and a half long is not one that I think you should bother watching. Where is the piece of the story where Bradley Cooper has to choose between two insanely hot women who will inevitably fall head over heals for him. But I can’t fault anyone in the making of this movie if I could get paid to spend a couple of months in Hawaii with Emma Stone, Bradley Cooper, Bill Murray, and Ivana Milicevic I absolutely would—without a question.
Just watch the trailer. Try not to let you head explode, then watch it again. I can’t say anything about this ridiculous movie that the trailer doesn’t already say for itself.
The D Train
I have a serious question about this movie. Who thought this was a good idea at all? There is nothing good about it on paper and it looks like even less in execution. Jack Black, while I’m sure a fantastic musician and hilarious to his fans he has made maybe two watchable movies in his entire career—and that’s being generous. James Marsden is very handsome but he’s also another one who hasn’t proved his worth as an actor and especially not as a comedic one. Stick these two arguably talent-less actors with Jarrad Paul and Andrew Mogel an actually untalented team of directors. It should be a huge let down.
The fuck? Three good actors, one shit movie. No thriller starring such an interesting cast has looked so fucking boring. And is it shot in the same house from Gone Girl? Could they have possibly cleaned all that blood out of the bedroom? I guess we’ll find out.
Remember my question from before? This is literally the female version of that. Except I actually believe Sophia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon are talented this was just a trainwreck from the get go. It’s both insulting to my intelligence and a terrible piece of art. It’s odd for a woman that Anne Fletcher seems to hate her female characters so much from the loathsome character she gave for Sandra Bullock in The Proposal to Jenna Dewan Tatum’s non-character in Step Up—there’s a reason that Channing Tatum is a household name and you just had to google hers, and you still son’t recognize her.
It’s literally a movie about a dog with PTS. Quite literally only in America. You’re all so cliched and boring its ridiculous. It’s a movie about a dog, with PTS, starring a child actor, and they wouldn’t let it screen for critics. All of that is a really great sign that this movie will be fantastic. I just think it would have done infinitely better if it had just been billed as Air Bud 5: The Army vs. Navy game, then I might have actually paid for it.
Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and another reminder that no matter how amazing an actor Peter Dinklage is he will never get to turn down shit roles because he’s a dwarf. Don’t go see this movie, for many reasons but because it’s time someone teaches Sandler and James a lesson about the shit they choose to churn out.
But… why? I mean Amy Schumer is actually funny. This looks decidedly unfunny and has way more Lebron than I have ever wanted in my movies.
Only if Your Cable is Out:
Sometimes you’re just bored with three hours to kill. Sometimes when that happens you’ve seen everything worth seeing and really want to go to the movies. If that happens these movies won’t melt your brain but they’re really not worth it at the end of the day.
You will like this movie if: you liked the show, you don’t what the word “stakes” means, you don’t really like women as people, you get a real kick out of seeing celebrities in movies you see all the time anyway, you enjoy tucking your skinny jeans into your shiny boots, you find it odd that you don’t always get what you want, you and your white bros spend your time broing out and saying bro. Otherwise don’t bother.
Magic Mike XXL
The tales of the first’s quality were overblown. The second, while it has arguably my favorite human being ever in it, just looks like an even less fun version of a movie what was mostly okay but still relatively fun. But look, hot dudes are hot dudes.
I don’t know much about this movie except that its starring three funny people and two people who used to be funny and it’s directed by Jared Hess. Should be pretty…okay.
Pitch Perfect 2
It’s the first movie all over again but slightly worse because we’ve seen it already. Shitty fat jokes, poor attempts at recreating the magic that was Mean Girls, dull characters, and an absolutely ridiculous plot–the villains literally just want Beca to sing in their acapella group it’s hardly their fault she’s a huge bitch.
I will watch literally anything with Alexandra Daddario in it. And I do mean anything, I’ve even seen this ridiculous video like a thousand times. So obviously I was all gung-ho for San Andreas. The Rock is good as usual, Daddario is good and great in her own respects but the movie is just what it seems like in the preview, its a half thought out disaster film that relies too heavily on admittedly decent CGI and short scenes of kinda character development.
Ugh… Ryan Reynolds again? Fine. But the concept seems cool enough, if executed well it could be an interesting movie. If executed poorly it could be 90% of the sci-fi movies to come out this decade. The choice is yours–well no the choice is Tarsem Singh’s.
This cast is actually ridiculous. No seriously you don’t believe me look for yourself. Okay sure, it looks bad. But it also looks really fun. And while it may be strictly worst than all the other movies in this list I would be willing to bet it’ll be the one you have the most fun watching.
It’s an unoffensive preteen movie. Nothing special nothing particular terrible either. It’s a fine movie that will probably end up being carried mostly by Clooney’s charismatic performance but of all the charismatic performances this may not be the best delivery system for your time and money.
Worth Some Money:
Just like it sounds—relatively worth seeing—certainly wouldn’t make it a priority. But hey maybe you really like pretty decent movies.
It’s not the most original premise ever written in the history of films but it has yet to be done to death. And the cast is good, yes it has Kristen Stewart , but Stewart is actually a compotent actress when she’s not reciting garbage lines from garbage movies based on garbage books; she’s not winning an Oscar any time soon but her and Eisenberg were good together in Adventureland and it’s possible lightning strikes twice.
I’m afraid this could be the first Marvel Studios misstep in a long time. With the approaching Secret Wars and the revamping of the entire Marvel Universe as well as a huge release this summer I fear that Ant-Man, a very legitimate Marvel staple, might have gotten the mass appeal treatment from Disney. The problem with that though is that Ant-Man, especially Scott Lang is not about mass appeal. While I wish this film and all Marvel endeavors the best it feels a lot like we’ve got ourselves a Captain America 1 situation on our hands.
Yo, what fucking idiot made this list. This movie clearly needs to be way way higher. But alas the guy who wrote this list is dumb so here it lies. the Samuel Jackson version of White House Down and Olympus Has Fallen but this time its personal, and in the forests of Finland and stars the kid from Rare Exports one of the better movies I’ve ever seen. So it should be a real blast.
The End of the Tour
I love David Foster Wallace. I believe him to be one of the greatest writers of the modern era this appears not to do him justice at all. I’ve never seen a signle moment of brilliance out of Jason Segel so I don’t understand why he would be the choice to play one of the most brilliant men in history. But there is the chance that someone, I don’t know who be it one of the writers or even Segel himself could end up pulling this out and it could be a touching character piece.
Hitman: Agent 47
Cold-blooded killer movie with a high body count and a big budget: sign me up. That’s basically all you had to tell me. Is 47 going to kill a lot of people? Oh, more people than I could ever imagine you say? Will it be violent? Oh exceedingly violent you say? Will there be a love story? No, because 47 is only a machine of murder and he’s got 99 problems, you say? Good I’ll take three please.
I am not at all excited for this movie. And fill probably not be seeing it any time soon. But it’s got dinosaurs and Chris Pratt so it can’t be nearly as bad as it looks. As you can see I’m really happy about the placement of this movie on this list.
The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
This was a great fucking show. And it could be a good fucking movie. A return to the slapstick period pieces that James Bond movies used to be could be a real refreshing shift for the spy film genre. Will this be the movie that does it? Maybe, we’ll see. It does rest in large part in the hands of Henry Cavill and Armie Hammer which does not instill the confidence in me that it might had Man of Steel not been shit and Lone Ranger not been terrible.
This will be the only horror movie on this list despite the fact that many horror movies are coming out this summer. That is because horror movies are trash and have been for the better part of two decades. Now while there have been some good movies with elements of the horror genre (Pan’s Labyrinth, Collateral, and Zodiac to name a few) there hasn’t been a truly great horror movie since probably before I was born and this will likely not be the one to break the trend. But 1) Emma Watson 2) Ethan Hawke 3) just pretend it’s a minimalist character piece and don’t expect to actually be scared and this movie might actually be amazingly watchable. It will help that Alejandro Amenábar, the director of The Others is directing it and The Others is one of the more interesting thrillers we’ve gotten in my life time.
This looks to be it. This looks to finally be the movie where Melissa McCarthy is actually funny. Now I could be proven wrong because it hasn’t happened yet but the trailer and cast outside of McCarthy actually looks promising.
I liked Ted and A Million Ways to Die in the West I think Seth MacFarlane is one of the funniest people of our generation and doesn’t get nearly as much credit for being as smart as he is and I think Mark Whalberg is a legitimate star he has great camera presence and comedic timing. I trust this movie even if you all don’t.
I’m taking a flyer on this movie. It’s either going to be hilarious or a piece of absolute shit. I’m gambling that this pseudo-sequel to a pseudo-classic will actually live up to the hype.
Again—very self explanatory—these movies of all the movies coming out this summer actually worth seeing. You’ve got to see them or risk being that asshole in September of 08 who hadn’t seen The Dark Knight.
Your typical smart kid from the hood getting out story with a twist. Admittedly when I first heard of this movie it sounded like a really bad idea. But the more I watch the trailer the more I read about the production it seems like it could actually be a real surprise. The cast is for some reason pretty incredible which is always surprising but might also mean that A$AP Rocky is way out classed on camera.
Okay so yes this is not Marvel Studios so basically anything could happen. Yes the original two movies are some of the worst movies to come out of the Marvel Universe but for some reason, maybe because I’m an eternal optimist, but with Michael B. Jordan, Miles Teller, Toby Kebbell and Kate Mara there could actually be some on screen chemistry instead of the the glorified paint drying that was the original series. The bad news is there is not evidence josh Trank, Fox Universeal, or The Fantastic Four comic can make a decent superhero movie.
Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
It’s fucking Mission Impossible guys. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain more than that. No one is fucking up that formula, its pretty prefected as it is now.
Usually when a movie is trying to be different movies it ends up doing both of them half-assed. Southpaw is looking to be the first movie to figure out that and behind what will undoubtedly be anther superb performance by Jake Gyllenhaal and hopefully a hit from the king of hit-or-miss, Antoine Fuqua.
The Terminator Franchise has certainly had it’s ups and downs but there was a point in its 31 year run when it was the action movie. It is the reason the world has Arnold Schwarzenegger and the original trilogy has some of the most iconic film moments in the history of film. I am not here to suggest that this will bring the franchise back to its glory days–that would be beyond presumptuous. But there is certainly the chance that with this cast and Alan Taylor at the helm with Schwarzenegger hopefully taking a step back in this reboot this could very easily be a fantastic action movie.
Possible Best Movies of the Summer:
There’s always the one… or the two movies we remember from a summer. Here are your candidates ladies and gentleman
Avengers: Age of Ultron
The fucking boys are back. I don’t really know what there is to say about Avengers that you don’t already know. Robert Downey Jr. is worshiped where I’m from and for good reason. Joss Whedon kicks ass again and takes one of Marvel’s best storylines and brings it to pulsating life on screen. As the universe gets more complex and involved it is possible that the films get less accessible but the greatest movies of all time could hardly be described as accessible and while Ultron was not as universally adored as the original it is just as good in every aspect that Marvel fans care about.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Easily one of the best movies of the year already. That is all. For more you can read here.
Ian McKellen is Sherlock Holmes. Ian McKellen is Sherlock Holmes in his final case before retirement. It’s a mother fucking 80s cop movie with the British legend in the place of your friends neighborhood overweight black guy who is too old for this shit. The story takes place many years after the tales of Watson and its about Sherlock going back to correct a past mistake. It looks fantastic for no other reason than Ian McKellen has free reign on screen.
Straight Outta Compton
The greatest hip-hop hip group of all time (sorry Wu-Tang) finally got the biopic we were all hoping for. There isn’t really much to say about this except that this movie looks amazingly well made. When it was announced that F. Gary Gray was picked up to direct it I was really excited, I think that Gray is one of the most underrated directors out there and with his experience with music videos I am looking forward to him being able to unleash his creative whim on this film.