Power Ranking Literally Anything: Everything Modern Who

Doctor Who‘s newest series is right around the corner.  So in honor of one of the greatest SciFi shows of all time here is a PRLA of everything Doctor Who has to offer.

I am not the biggest Doctor Who fan you will ever meet. I’ve never bothered to go back and watch the entirety of Classic Who and I’ve never read any of the books. But I still love the show. It’s easily in my top five British television shows that’s not easy to come by all the stuff I’ve watched that’s come out of that country. But here are the power rankings of the Modern Who Doctors, companions, and villains—because why he hell not?

What do you care about?  The best…
Doctor | Villain | Companion

The Doctors:

We start with the easiest rankings, of the doctor himself.

The 9th DoctorThird-9th(Christopher Eccleston)

I honestly can’t say I have much to say about the 9th doctor. He only makes it one season so I never really got into him. The first series of Doctor Who’s return to TV was mostly fan service so the Doctor was little but a side note for fans geeking over the return of one of the greatest shows of all time. He has his moments and his cheeky grin is pretty perfect for the Doctor.

The 10th DoctorSecond-10th(David Tennant)

Everyone’s favorite Doctor is the face of some of the series best episodes: “Army of Ghosts” “Midnight”, “Blink”, “The Girl in the Fireplace”, and “Silence in the Library”. Allon-sy has become the rallying cry of all the nerds across the world, and for great reason. Tennant is the most emotionally interesting Doctor of the bunch. While he can be melodramatic at times (I’m looking at you “End of Time” and “Waters of Mars”) it’s hard to say that wasn’t the fault of the doctor. Tennant is odd because while his stories rank among the best, they are many that rank among the absolute worst: “Fear Her”, “Rise of the Cybermen”, “The Lazarus Experiment”, and “The Next Doctor”.

The 11th DoctorFirst-11th(Matt Smith)

Arguably the most controversial ranking on this list. And honestly I’d probably be with most people with screaming foul—were it not me who was writing this. As far as I’m concerned David Tennant is the Doctor, he will always be the Doctor. Not the 4th Doctor and certainly not the 6th. But I am of the mind that Smith’s Doctor is just better than Tennant’s. Could Tennant have played the 11th Doctor better than Smith? Who knows. But the loathing, goofy 11th Doctor is just how I pictured Doctor Who. He’s a little cocky and a little silly but not to be fucked with, and I love it.


All the Art is by Alice X. Zhang–who is dope as shit.  Buy all of her stuff here.

Villains/Monsters:

Doctor who goes up against some crazy shit when it comes down to it. These are the top 10 Doctor Who Villains, top 10 Doctor Who Monsters, Best Doctor Who Enemies—whatever you want to call it this is that list.

What’s Important?

Evil: Seems pretty self-explanatory. Bad guys gotta be bad.

Terror Factor: A good villain has to instill fear in those around it, the question is just how much fear.

Danger Factor: Obviously a good monster can’t be easy to beat, then it’s hardly a monster at all, it’s an annoying wasp.

Awesomeness: And no matter how scary, evil, or dangerous these things are they must be awesome. Awe-inspiring creatures of nightmare inducing awesome. Like Predator, but with more time travel

Don’t be fooled, these ratings do not contribute to their rankings—not directly at least.

Honorable Mention: Humans

Henry Van Stanton

Most people that make these villain Doctor Who lists give you some bullshit answer as number one like “The Doctor.” I decided in order to not be an asshole I’ll put my bullshit answer here. The truth is that for all the time the Doctor spends saving humans, they are quite literally the worst. If it’s not some human being a greedy prick and basically destroying the world because of it (“Dalek” and “The Lazarus Experiment”) it’s someone refusing to follow fucking instructions and endangering everyone (literally every single episode). Doctor Who’s humans are stupid, intolerant, impulsive, greedy, selfish, and thick-headed—so, good job, they got it pretty much spot on—less racism, sexism, and homophobia than most humans but still, close enough.

Tenth: The Empty Child

Terrifying Child

I hate children: don’t show me pictures of your child, I don’t care about them. Don’t bring your kid around me, I don’t want to meet them. Oh super your baby can say one word—get it the fuck away from me. But if there’s one thing that would make kids worse it’s definitely a deadly virus that turns you into a face-masked creeper looking for your mother.

Evil: 1/10

It’s just a sick kid who got saved by an alien spaceship and its accidently killing everyone… that happens right?

Terrifying: 6/10

Sure kids are creepy as fuck but its still a child, just run the other way… or kick it in the neck.

Danger: 5/10

See the above statement. The virus was pretty easy to catch but it turned out in the end it wasn’t all that bad, and the Doctor had a pretty easy time ridding the world of it.

Awesome: 1/10

It’s a kid with a gas mask on during the London blitz of WWII—least—awesome—thing—ever.

Ninth: The Mars Virus

Mars Virus

Virus in the water than turns you into a thirsty zombie. No thank you. I think anything that lives in the water, can think, and really wants to get to Earth is not something I’d ever want to run into in a dark alley.

Evil: 3/10

Another disease, this time with slightly more sinister intentions, but still not that evil.

Terrifying: 7/10

Um, it’s in the water? Don’t we need water to live? Oh, we do? We’re fucked then. And they turn people into creepy ass zombies who are also pretty terrifying.

Danger: 8/10

On the first go-round it killed an entire crew. On the second it almost got to Earth and killed an entire species.

Awesome: 2/10

Invisible enemies are scary, not so awesome though.

Eighth: The Beast

The Beast

The devil, but also not really the devil—but kind of though. It was so terrible an ancient civilization crafted an impossible planet as a perfect prison to store it. It has psychic abilities and for a moment in the episode seemed all powerful.

Evil: 8/10

Sure, it’s the devil but it does just want to get out of prison, can’t really blame it on that front.

Terrifying: 6/10

It was far more terrifying before the monster was revealed. A silent beast that could take over the minds of people and oode alike. But once it was given a face it seemed rather—silly.

Danger: 9/10

I’m not sure how you destroy something that turned out just to be an idea. A lot like the creature from “The God Complex” its ability to occupy the mind was far more harrowing than its physical threat. And even the Doctor had to attack The Beasts physical body.

Awesome: 6/10

It is the devil after all.

Seventh: Daleks

Daleks

The Daleks are more legendary than actual execution would suggest. Were it not for the fear that they seemed to instill in the Doctor I would have left them off this list. But if they can strike such fear in our godly protagonist they must be pretty petrifying.

Evil: 10/10

Emotionless killing machines: like the Terminator but without abs, and where’s the fun in that?

Terrifying: 4/10

They’re basically just trash cans with blue eyes. They have got up to some pretty terrifying shit, turning people into Daleks (“Asylum of Daleks”), ripping time apart (“Doomsday”), moved… the Earth (“The Missing Planet”). But do they keep me up at night… nope.

Danger: 9/10

They seem to show up in every series finally and they are the Doctors worst enemies, so they must go pretty hard.

Awesome: 7/10

Arguably the most powerful race still left in the universe (discounting the one time-lord) they bring the mother fuckin’ ruckus and that’s worth some awesome points.

Sixth: Dream Lord

Dream Lord

Admittedly this turned out to be a sort of BS answer since it’s the doctor at the end of the day. But I chose to ignore that for the purpose of this list. An alien who can put you in two parallel worlds, one is a dream—the other real. You ace two dangers and must die in one to escape the other. But you have to choose the dream. Well that’s just mean.

Evil: 9/10

He just wants to have fun. Too bad his version of fun is trapping you in a life or death situation for his own amusement.

Terrifying: 8/10

There’s something about the utter helplessness of the situation the three find themselves in in this story that’s just creepy.

Danger: 7/10

You have to commit suicide to survive, which is kind of crazy. But at the end of the day you do have a 50-50 chance of survival.

Awesome: 3/10

King of dreams: scary, daunting, powerful, a little crazy, a lot dangerous… not awesome.

Fifth: The Master/Time-Lords

The Master

Turns out that every single other time-lord who is not named the Doctor is a massive asshat. And if you can imagine a nice time-lord saving the universe, imagine a bunch of asshat time-lords bent on it’s destruction.

Evil: 10/10

Some want to rule all of humanity because they are lesser people (a lot of Hilter references in those episodes) but the rest just want to destroy existence and live as beings of consciousness. How will I eat blackened miso cod if I’m a being of conscious you evil shits!?

Terrifying: 6/10

Crazy people are scary: fact. Crazy people with infinite power are terrifying: FACT! Although they don’t have the scream factor of the monster from Lights Out. Or the creepy factor of any child ever or the dolls from “Night Terrors”. They are scary like Smough and Ornstein from Dark Souls.

Danger: 10/10

Nine times out of ten the Master and the Time Lords destroy the world and the Doctor. Nuff said.

Awesome: 8/10

They’re a seemingly indestructible race of hyper-beings with the intelligence 4000 times that of the smartest human and they can change their face and bring themselves back from the dead. Nuff Said Part II: the Reckoning.

Fourth: Vashta Nerada

Vashta Nerada

It’s the fucking dark. It’s an enemy that doesn’t hide in the dark… it is the dark. SHIT! Get me out this boat now!

Evil: 4/10

They’re just really hungry and trapped in a library. It’s not their fault they’re sadistic flesh eating little bastards.

Terrifying: 10/10

Did I mention the Vashta Nerada is the dark? Not enough for you? They will literally eat the flesh off your bones in half a second and they are intelligent. Just doesn’t seem fair.

Danger: 8/10

Easily avoidable if you’ve got electricity. But then again…the dark is fucking everywhere!

Awesome: 4/10

Pretty cool idea but doesn’t have the awe-inspiring touch we look for in a good monster.

Third: Davros

Davros

Davros, the creator and leader (sometimes) of the daleks. Only rears his ugly head once in New Who. That appearance however, is a pretty crazy one. He steals a bunch of planets to power a bomb that will wipe out all of existence except for the Daleks. Ambitious, to say the least.

Evil: 10/10

He wants to destroy time, space, and all of existence, I’d call that pretty evil.

Terrifying: 5/10

Much like the Daleks he is a little more bark than bite. But unlike the Daleks he seems to have gotten pretty close to wreaking actual havoc.

Danger: 10/10

Did I mention he stole a bunch of planets? Well he did.

Awesome: 7/10

Sure, creepy old man on a scooter doesn’t sound all that awesome. Until you realize he made the Daleks, like as a weekend project.

Second: The Silence

The Silence

Sure they look like your typical 1960s alien even sporting the Men in Black suit, but they are part of the craziest story arc of New Who. And for good goddamn reason. They shoot lightning which on its own is pretty irritating. But their kicker is that they make you forget them the instant they look away and can brainwash you to their will. Oh, and it turns out they’ve been here for thousands of years ruling humanity, so you know… that’s cool.

Evil: 8/10

Their entire motivation was to kill the Doctor using his defector god daughter/wife. A-holes.

Terrifying: 10/10

They control your mind, you can’t remember them—note even their existence, and they’ve been human’s dictators since human’s existed. Nope, nope, nope.

Danger: 7/10

In mass quantities they are basically unbeatable. But in small numbers they’re barely even Adipi…Adiposes? Ah who cares.

Awesome: 9/10

Let’s not lie—them giant ET looking fuckers are pretty damn awesome—terrifying, nightmare inducing–but awesome.

First: The Weeping Angels

Weeping Angel

And here we are: number one. Could it have been anyone else? No. It couldn’t. The weeping angels are invincible (only recurring enemy you never see die). They are lightning fast. And their one weakness actually makes them far more terrifying.

Evil: 8/10

They might not want to destroy the world but they do get a kick out of killing people. They’re alien psychopaths, no one wants that.

Terrifying: 10/10

1) Weeping Angels kill you by sending you back in time and letting you live until you die. 2) They move at basically the speed of sound, only when you’re not looking. 3) Lights never seem to work around them, and when they do the angels can just will them to malfunction, so you’re fucked. 4) You have to look at them so that you don’t die. But if you stare into their eyes long enough (you know so they won’t kill you) they can enter your mind. Wait what? Come again? Fuck that! 5 ) Oh, and images of weeping angels become angels, so there’s that dick move on top of everything.

Danger: 10/10

I’m sorry, did you even read what I just wrote up their? You literally can’t run because not looking at them means death.

Awesome: 10/10

Might actually be my favorite aliens ever. Maybe only second to the Mimics of Edge of Tomorrow. They look like statues and fight like Bruce Lee on crack. And they have a sick sense of humor which I admire.

Companions

A doctor is only as good as his companions and some of those companions are just awesome. Some are garbage. I will tell you which are which.

What makes a good companion?

Helpfulness: No one likes a helpless tagalong, no one.

Come-alongs: Every passenger has their baggage, the companions baggage usually comes in the form of family. And like a bunch of shitty Hallmark cards have always said, “when you marry a girl you marry her family too, so her family better not suck.” Or at least that’s what I think it said.

Story: Every companion has a story, the question is just whether it’s worth our time or not.

Eye Candy Bonus: It is on TV after all.

Don’t be fooled, these ratings do not contribute to their rankings—not directly at least.

Honorable Mention: Madame de Pompadour

Madame de Pompadour

Okay, not a companion but I kept hoping the whole episode she would stick around because she was easily my favorite guest star ever. The girl in the fireplace has earned herself a spot on our list and if she had stuck around for more than one episode she would have easily made the top five.

Tenth: Martha Jones

Martha Jones

Some doctor from Earth. She’s boring as hell and Freema Agyeman is an awful actress. It’s very disappointing that she lasted so long at the heyday Tennant. Series three could have easily been his best.

Helpfulness: 7/10

She is not helpless that’s for sure. There are even a few stories she goes off by herself.

Come-alongs: Holy shit! The Jones family is the fucking worst. Her dad is a coward and an idiot. And her mother is the worst. Which is saying a lot because, for some odd reason, the creators of Doctor Who hate mothers, everyone’s mother is awful, but Ms. Jones is easily the worst.

Story: 1/10

She has no story. They try to shove some BS, “I fell in love with the Doctor so my life sucks story,” but after Rose it just seemed like a sequel to a classic.

Eye Candy Bonus: +3 I’m sure a perfectly fine looking girl. I wouldn’t know. Plus I’m blinded by fiery hate.

Ninth: Sarah-Jane Smith

Sarah Jane Smith

A classic Whovian’s equivalent to a wet dream. Sarah-Jane could literally do it all. But New Who has seen the shell of a legend. Like watching Shaq play for the Suns. She has been more of a prop for wow factor than a real character.

Helpfulness: 6/10

She doesn’t get in the way at the school and she kind of helps a bit to save the world in “The Missing Planet.”

Come-alongs: 5/10

She’s got a son and a dog. Her son sucks and her dog is the tits so, you know, it balances out in the end.

Story: 4/10

We don’t get much of her story in New Who but the slight glimpses are pretty cool.

Eye Candy Bonus: +5 She’s not her old self but she still looks good.

Eighth: Rory Williams

Rory Williams

Oh Rory, constantly overshadowed by your very literal better half. He’s got some cute gimmicks, he dies a couple of times, but let’s not bullshit ourselves. Amy Pond who have been much better without this come-along. Mostly he’s just around to prove, for the umpteenth time, that the knight in shining armor remains the most boring literary trope since they wrote the bible.

Helpfulness: 5/10

I honestly cannot tell if Rory is helpful at all. He does some stuff, but the Doctor is also constantly trying to save him which is rather irritating.

Come-alongs: 9/10

His dad is significantly more tolerable than Rory and of course Amy.

Story: 8/10

Admittedly the Rory the centurion story is cool, I won’t begrudge him that.

Eye Candy Bonus: +4 Ehh, sorta.

Seven: River Song

River Song

On my first run through the show I saw River as an unnecessary appendage, the Doctor is better than us, what does he need with such unnecessary bullshit like marriage? But on m second run through I found her at least fun if not entirely essential. She has a pretty fun sense of humor and in small doses she’s actually a pretty good addition to the show. If she had been a constant companion I might have grown bored of her.

Helpfulness: 10/10

I mean, she’s from the future and she knows how the TARDIS works better than anyone else.

Come-alongs: 10/10

She has none. And aren’t those the best kind of in laws anyway?

Story: 8/10

The Doctor’s wife who he meets at the end of their relationships and watches age backwards, it’s a pretty great idea for a story. Add to that, the fact that she’s the one who kills him, you’ve got yourself a pretty interesting story.

Eye Candy Bonus: +6 Yeah I can get in on that.

Sixth: Mickey Smith

Mickey Smith

Mickey, the forgotten boyfriend. He starts as an annoyance but by the end of his time on the series he is one of the best characters not named Rose or the Doctor.

Helpfulness: 7/10

By the end he’s working for Torchwood and saving the world from aliens.

Come-alongs: 7/10

Another come-along turned companion Mickey really only has Rose Tyler to his name. But Rose Tyler is a pretty great person to know.

Story: 3/10

When he has a story it’s mostly just him being whiney, which is annoying to say the least.

Eye Candy Bonus: +6 He’s no Idris Elba that’s for sure.

Fifth: Clara Oswald

Clara Oswald

Admittedly not much we can say about Clara just yet, she’s only been around for a poultry 7 episodes and two thunderous specials but in those few appearances she’s been pretty great. Everyone’s biggest complaint is her storyline and I can see why everyone hated that “born to save the Doctor thing” especially because of the way it was resolved. I understand that completely. But I was not as disenchanted with her story with the 11th Doctor as most of the fans were. I can tell you this though. Her ridiculously awesome “born to save the doctor” storyline for the 12th Doctor will be amazing—guarantee.

Helpfulness: 8/10

Is she River Song or Amy Pond. No, but she’s got some fucking stones on her. And if Who has taught me anything it’s that all you need to fight aliens is a glowing metal thing and some verve.

Come-Along: 7/10

No she doesn’t have many. But those two kids that come along in “Nightmare in Silver” are irritating as fuck.

Story: 7/10

The pay-off was “ehh” at best but I don’t think anyone is arguing that the impossible girl build up was pretty well done.

Eye Candy Bonus: +∞ No you can’t really add infinity but it’s the only number that can capture Janna-Louise Coleman.

Fourth: Amy Pond

Amy Pond

Come along Pond. Everyone’s favorite red head and the much much better half of the Ponds is a personal favorite of mine. Mostly because she is the best companion of my favorite doctor. But also because she’s a balls to the wall badass—Exhibit A: “The Girl Who Waited.” Even young Pond was awesome. The biggest issue with Amy Pond or really the Ponds in general was the way they ended their story—not the tragic death by hands of an angel—the “we just want to be normal” ending. It was going to be such a dumb ending, then they died. It made no sense: 1, you can time travel so you don’t really have to miss much; 2, you can travel in space so fuck real life. It’s like getting upset at the airline for fucking up your ticket to Carroll, Iowa and sending you to Ibiza, Spain. Sure you have family in Carroll and you’ll miss them and all but at least you don’t have to be in fucking Iowa—and hey this Ibiza place looks pretty awesome at that.

Helpfulness: 9/10

I think I’ve made my point already.

Come-Alongs: 4/10

The highly irritating Rory Williams is the one black mark on her résumé.

Story: 10/10

One of the best companion mysteries I think we’ve ever seen. The girl who waited became the girl who lived and ultimately the girl time forgot. The crack in her wall was one of the best story arcs of New Who.

Eye Candy Bonus: +7 Mhm, yup.

Third: Captain Jack Harkness

Captain Jack

The man of the hour. The only companion who could scrape together a respectable spin-off, even Sarah-Jane couldn’t manage it. Captain “Screw Everything that Moves” Harkness. The most charming and entertaining of the companions.

Helpfulness: 10/10

He can travel time on his own. Fights aliens for a living. Saved Rose at least once. And he is a man who can never die.

Come-Alongs: 10/10

He has none, except maybe the few members of Torchwood that show up once but I don’t really count them.

Story: 8/10

It’s mostly just hinted at but becoming the Face of Boe, if the storyline ever returns could end up being one of the best storylines we get.

Eye Candy Bonus: +7 He’s a good looking man. I gets that’s why he gets all the bitties… and dudes, aaaand aliens.

Second: Rose Tyler

Rose Tyler

Rose is the companion. We spent three series falling in love with her before she was shipped away at Bad Wolf Bay. Rose never got the in depth treatment of her follow up counter-parts, mostly because the series was still tentatively limping into its new era while she was around. She was one of the most fun and compassionate companions but her reign was far too short. Also the fact that her replacement was Martha Jones made me even saltier about her departure.

Helpfulness: 7/10

She found herself in arguably more trouble than you’d like from someone you brought with you on a dangerous journey, but she was far from helpless.

Come-Alongs: 5/10

Sure Mickey Smith develops into a badass and her dead dad on his two episodes is a pretty good character but the real problem—as always seems to be the problem on Doctor Who—is her intolerable mother.

Story: 9/10

Her love story with the Doctor, unlike her Diet Follow-Up Jones, is actually compelling and the end is admittedly satisfying, if not a little sappy.

Eye Candy Bonus: +9 Billie Pieper is a babe, facts.

First: Donna Noble

Donna Noble

I mean, could it really have been anyone else. The almost universally loved companion who’s just a little too big for the Doctor. The Doctor’s companions have never been soft, meek women—not by any stretch of the imagination. But Donna is the least soft and meek of the bunch. I love Donna, some people don’t. Those people are wrong.

Helpfulness: 8/10

See Rose and Clara. Just a whole bunch of guts which is good enough in the end.

Come-Alongs: 8/10

Wilfred Mott is the man. I will ignore the fact that he is also the man who kills the Doctor but still, awesome dude. It would be 10 out of 10 but once again—Donna’s mother is an unbearable woman who ruins everything she gets her hands on.

Story: 8/10

They honestly should’ve harped on this more. She is the most important woman in the world. It should’ve been like Amy’s crack in the wall it would’ve been a great story arc if it had showed up more than like two or three times. Also her ending is one of the only companion departures I’ve ever been genuinely satisfied with.

Eye Candy Bonus: +? I don’t know. She looks like someone’s mother or an angry librarian. But also…

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