The Emmys and the Curiously Competent Case of the Nominally Not-so-terrible Nominations

Northern Virginia traffic and ten hour work days strike again. I have had this article on the to-do pile since they released the nominations. I promised myself this time though I would get this piece out before it was too late. I missed the Oscars this year because of such nonsense. So I am writing this right now, rushed, haphazard, and inevitably a shell of my usual Shakespearean genius (yeah… that shit just happened). But that is okay because I will not miss the Emmy’s this year.

The Emmys are an odd beast: halfway in between the Oscars and Grammys on the competence. That is to say not quite slightly relevant but also not exactly the most incompetent fuck fest you’ve ever seen. But also halfway between the BET Awards and the Peabody Awards in actual relevance. Sure not no one cares about the Emmy’s but it’s not like you can pull it out at a bar and walk home like a Tony Stark Bruce Wayne hybrid

either—much unlike a purple heart or a Kid’s Choice Award (“Oh shit you got slimed in 2003 by Ryan Seacrest?! Would you like to go back to my place or should we just do it here on this table?”).

This year something weird happened though: they nominated people (some people) actually deserving of the awards they shall hand out. True they could still fuck up and give them to the few nominees undeserving but—they could also get it right in almost every category. Which is crazy to think about.

Show Awards

The Best of Awards for shows. A ranking of each nominee, the ones left out, a prediction of the winner, and the most deserving of the bunch (not always the best I assure you). So in short: everything you need in one compact, brilliantly written place.

Drama Series:

The Nominee Ranking

1. Game of Thrones
2. House of Cards
3. Mad Men
4. True Detective
5. Breaking Bad
6. Downton Abbey

Game of Thrones is coming off its best season in the show’s short run thus far. House of Cards upped the ante in its second season bring more intrigue and monologues. Mad Men followed up an okay season with an outstanding one that left me wanting more and more and more from its final one. Breaking Bad remains a letdown for me (more on that coming soon) and the same can be said for True Detective but not because they are not perfectly fine shows but because you all hyped them up like they were The Wire part 2.0. I’ve never been able to get into the stride of the period soap opera that is Downton Abbey but also a very good show. Honestly you couldn’t go wrong with this bunch but there would be some surprise winners in the bunch.

The Left Out:

I don’t know how Penny Dreadful, starring the gorgeous Eva Green has become a favorite of mine but I understand not including it yet. It has lots of potential not much execution yet. But I am confused as to how Masters of Sex a show that blasted our minds (in my best Russell Peters voice) didn’t make this list.

The Inevitable Victor:

Breaking Bad

On it’s final season. One commonly seen as it’s best I feel this award coming. Second option might be Game of Thrones with all the ridiculous hype it got this year.

The Most Deserving

Breaking Bad

Not anywhere near my favorite show, not the best of the five. But a farewell tour like this season is worth a little hand ringing.

Comedy Series

The Nominee Ranking

1. Louie
2. Silicon Valley
3. Modern Family
4. Veep
5. Orange is the New Black
6. The Big Bang Theory

As usual the comedy nominees are by far the most disappointing. Louie, Silicon Valley, and Modern Family are the only truly good shows on this list. But kudos to the Emmys for nominating Silicon Valley and Louie one is a freshman comedy with some of the most brilliant writing and acting on a comedy series on TV. The other, is the experimental I-give-no-fucks-if-you-like-it masterwork of this generations George Carlin.

The Left Outs

This list could get extensive but I’ll just go over the truly ridiculous ones that were left out. I go more into it here though. Archer and Bob’s Burgers were always destined to be left out, animated shows get no love from the big wigs. I am not surprised Community was left out, even though season five was the best in years and it is still the funniest show on TV. But how Brooklyn Nine-Nine and New Girl got left off this list for the likes of Orange is the New Black, Veep, and The Big Bang Theory is crazy to me.

The Inevitable Victor

Orange is the New Black

Congratulations, honestly. I may find the show boring, pandering, and both unfunny and unsympathetic. But a bunch of women, many of whom are black actors who would likely have never gotten another role (and still very well might not) winning an award normally handed out to 30 something white guys is not something I’m going to lose too much sleep over.

The Most Deserving

Louie

It’s not even close. No but really, Louis CK is an absolute genius I’ve said it a bunch of times and I would love to see him win this.

Miniseries

The Nominee Ranking

1. Luther
2. Fargo
3. American Horror Story: Coven
4. Treme
5. The White Queen
6. Bonnie & Clyde

I’ve never understood this category, why is Sherlock a movie but Treme and Luther are miniseries? Regardless. I’ll give you the short and narrow of it. Luther and Fargo great, American Horror Story and Treme good-ish, the other two—ehh.

The Left Out

Klondike, nuff said. Robb Stark (or whatever his given name is) was amazing. And Abbie Cornish (or the girl from Sucker Punch) was lethal. I’m not sure why The White Queen and Bonnie & Clyde got the nod over the History channel’s best thing since they decided aliens were history.

The Inevitable Victor

American Horror Story: Coven/Fargo

Both the most popular of the bunch and arguably the best. You could make the argument; but you’d lose to me if you tried.

TV Movie

Haven’t watched but one. Don’t intend on watching any for this blog either. But If anything is better than “His Last Vow” I will be astounded. If you have seen one and think it is better drop a comment, I love being proven wrong.

Reality-Competition Program

The answer is Master Chef or Hell’s Kitchen I don’t know what this shit is. Well mostly I don’t know what they are because I have only ever watched two reality television shows.

Variety Series

Colbert will win because he’s going off the air but yet another list of shows I haven’t seen enough of to give you a valid opinion. I hear Fallon has been really good though.

Individual Awards

We bout to do the same rigmarole. No need to explain it to you, you made it this far. I will say these bother me much less when they go to the wrong person, individual achievement in such ventures is always harder to gauge than success of the work. I mean, we thought Keanu Reeves was a good actor for a minute because of the Matrix so what the fuck do we know.

Actor in a Drama

The Nominee Ranking

1. Woody Harrelson “True Detective”
2. Bryan Cranston “Breaking Bad”
3. Jeff Daniels “The Newsroom”
4. Kevin Spacey “House of Cards”
5. Jon Hamm “Mad Men”
6. Matthew McConaughey “True Detective”

This is a genuine first for me. I have never seen a nomination list, for anything ever, which contained a list of the genuinely best people for the award. Not once. Not never. These were the six best actors on a drama series in 2014 though. Putting Woody Harrelson five spaces above Matthew McConaughey makes it seem like it was head and shoulders better but that is not the case. It just turned out these guys all delivered stellar performances. Some even rival Michael K. Williams as the Omar or Tony Shalhoub as the incomparable Monk.

The Left Out

I’m happy, you happy?  Let’s all scream for ice cream.

The Inevitable Victor

Matthew McCounaughey

I can’t get a read on this category it could go to any come award night. But McCounaughey’s character was the most broken so that is sure to be some points.

The Most Deserving

Woody Harrelson

The best of the bunch—if by a hair—and the unsung hero of one of these year’s great dramas.

Actress in a Drama

The Nominee Ranking

1. Lizzy Caplan “Masters of Sex”
2. Robin Wright “House of Cards”
3. Michelle Dockery “Downton Abbey”
4. Claire Danes “Homeland”
5. Julianna Margulies “The Good Wife”
6. Kerry Washington “Scandal”

Oh fuck. Don’t get your hopes up. As good as the actor nominees were, this is just, disappointing. I’ve considered writing an entire piece on the separation of male-female awards in films and tv like they do different jobs (which they don’t) but I couldn’t get past the first sentence or two:

It’s not only offensive to give out awards to actors and separate awards to actresses, it makes no sense. Is it that we honestly think Natalie Portman and Colin Firth did drastically different jobs or are men just afraid that if they start having to compete with women for awards they might start losing? Whatever it is it’s crazy that still do this, and that no one talks about it.

That seemed like all the points I could make on the matter. But maybe I’ll try again later.

The Left Out

Okay so here are the women that were killing it on television this year not named Lizzy Caplan and Robin Wright: Eva Green Penny Dreadful, Olivia Munn The Newsroom (yes her!), Tatiana Maslany Orphan Black, Keri Russell The Americans. So just so we’re clear, that list (plus Robin Wright and Lizzy Caplan) is just as good as the actor awards. Maybe this is why we separate the sexes because we have no idea what a good actress is? Regardless the fact that none of those women made the list is a travesty on par with the Oscar snubs of Pulp Fiction, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Saving Private Ryan.

The Inevitable Victor

Kerry Washington

She acted while she was pregnant, “Ooooo!”

The Most Deserving

Lizzy Caplan

Virginia Johnson is admittedly a gold mine of a role. But Caplan plays it better than I can imagine anyone else.

Actor in a Comedy

The Nominee Ranking

1. Ricky Gervais Derek
2. Louie C.K. Louie
3. Don Cheadle House of Lies
4. Jim Parsons The Big Bang Theory
5. Matt LeBlanc Episodes
6. William H. Macy Shameless

It’s weird calling Ricky Gervais, Don Cheadle, or Louis C.K.’s performances “comedy” I mean the shows are funny but the true genius of all three come from the painful honesty of them. I would venture to say all three men delivered performances just as serious and heart-wrenching as Harrelson or Cranston. And why do these three shows and not The Newsroom qualify for this category? Only Odin knows I guess.

The Left Out

Stephen Merchant was spectacular on the underappreciated Hello Ladies and literally any of the four comedy geniuses on New Girl should have made this list. Kumail Nanjiani deserved a nod for Silicon Valley and Andy Samberg was side-splitting week after week on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

The Inevitable Victor

Don Cheadle

Derek and Louie just aren’t popular enough and Cheadle is a big name.

The Most Deserving

Don Cheadle

Why the fuck hasn’t he gotten one yet? Sure Rcky Gervais was incredible but the English keep throwing awards at the guy and Louis C.K. has every blog written by a literate human on his side—plus if anyone cares about awards less that CK I’ll eat my hat.

Actress in a Comedy

Brace yourself this is going to be painful

The Nominee Ranking

1. Amy Poehler Parks & Recreation
2. Julia Louis Dreyfus Veep
3. Lena Dunham Girls
4. Edie Falco Nurse Jackie
5. Taylor Schilling Orange is the New Black
6. Melissa McCarthy Mike & Molly

What is this list? I don’t feel like making a better list it hurts me too much inside but there are two saving graces on here so I shan’t cry too loudly.

The Left Out

The comedy duo of Broad City have been amazing all year. Nuff Said Part III: Nuff Reborn (that’s a little treat for my regular readers.

The Inevitable Victor

Lena Dunham

We all root for the underdog at the end of the day.

The Most Deserving

Julia Louis Dreyfus

Show is not as amazing as everyone seems to think. But Dreyfus is better than everyone seems to think.

Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie

I have not seen Dancing on the Edge or The Normal Heart so I will leave them off the list

The Nominee Ranking

1. Idris Elba Luther
2. Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock: His Last Vow
3. Martin Freeman Fargo
4. Billy Bob Thorton Fargo

Just four guys who killed it. Again, well done.

The Left Out

Can you nominate Freeman twice for two different shows? You should be able to. Also, Richard Madden was great in Klondike I don’t know if he was better or worse than Mark Ruffalo or Chiwetel Ejiofor—both spectacular actors—but if he was he should be on this list. I skated over a point and I would like to go back—Mark Ruffalo and Chiwetel Ejiofor are actually amazing actors. Ruffalo showed up huge as the Hulk in Avengers (pun intended) and gave special performances in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Kids are Alright, and You Can Count on Me. Also Chiwetel Ejiofor, of 12 Years a Slave fame, deserved a statue for his portrayal of The Operative in Serenity. I am only bringing these up because these are two very under-appreciated actors on par with Leo, Damon, and Clooney and I just wanted to say my piece.  Not to say that TV is a lesser medium, I love TV, this coming from a man who spends many hours of his free time writing the script for a show that will never made.

The Inevitable Victor

Bennedict Cumberbatch

You can find me stuntin’ at 221B.

The Most Deserving

Idris Elba

If I have a jesus, still not sure if I do, that jesus would be Kanye West. The first of his 12 disciples though would be Idris “mutha-fucka” Elba.

Actress in a Miniseries of a Movie

I haven’t seen enough of these to something of substance to say about them. Here are the nominees alphabetically though, for reference:

• Helena Bonham Carter Burton and Taylor
• Minnie Driver Return to Zero
• Jessica Lange American Horror Story: Coven
• Sarah Paulson American Horror Story: Coven
• Cicely Tyson The Trip to Bountiful
• Kristen Wiig The Spoils of Babylon

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

The Nominee Ranking

1. Peter Dinklage Game of Thrones
2. Jon Voight Ray Donovan
3. Mandy Patinkin Homeland
4. Aaron Pail Breaking Bad
5. Jim Carter Downton Abbey
6. Josh Charles The Good Wife

Um, who is the main actor in Game of Thrones if it’s not Dinklage? Regardless decent enough list. More of a consolation prize for everyone not named Dinklage in this list though. Peter Dinklage remains the best actor on TV for the fourth year in a row and there is no competition in the “supporting” actor category.

The Left Out

There are literally so many great supporting actors out there but this is an adequate list, like Ricky Rubio or DeMar DeRozan, they are not the best, but they’ll do.

The Inevitable Victor

Peter Dinklage

His best season thus far and he just keeps getting better.

The Most Deserving

Peter Dinklage

We’ve been over this right?

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

The Nominee Ranking

1. Lena Headey Game of Thrones
2. Christina Hendricks Mad Men
3. Maggie Smith Downton Abbey
4. Anna Gunn Breaking Bad
5. Christine Baranski The Good Wife

Oh good for Lena “Coolest-fucking-chick-ever” Headey, she was so incredible the past two season. And she was living in poverty three years ago. This is just good news at the end of the day. Hendricks is as talented as she is hot—and by god is she hot. Maggie Smith is still the high point of the increasingly dull Downton Abbey and Anna Gunn must be a good actress because I’m not sure I’ve ever hated a character on TV as much as I hated Mrs. White, so she must be a good actress right?

The Left Out

The first and only name that jumped to mind when I was reading down this list was Caroline Dhavernas of Hannibal. I’m not 100% sure I think she should have been nominated above anyone but I just thought I’d put it out into the world.

The Inevitable Victor

Anna Gunn

Breaking Bad is ending and everyone feels bad she got death threats—which admittedly is the most fucking ridiculous thing I think I’ve heard in a long time. I do think it’s unfair to attribute this, as many have, to our nations hard-on for sexism. This is an entirely different kind of stupidity and one that’s much less damaging to society. Her death threats were mostly made by crazy people with the inability to distinguish their small lives from that of the fictional.

The Most Deserving

Lena “Coolest-fucking-chick-ever” Headey

Did I mention she was hella poor not too long ago? Let’s give that girl a statue… of fifty. Even though I’d love to see Christina Hendricks on stage accepting that award—for many reasons—Lena Headey was better and deserves it more.

Guest Actor in a Drama Series

• Dylan Baker (“The Good Wife”)
• Beau Bridges (“Masters of Sex”)
• Reg E. Cathey (“House of Cards”)
• Paul Giamatti (“Downton Abbey”)
• Robert Morse (“Mad Men”)
• Joe Morton (“Scandal”)

I’m just going to say clearly Pedro Pascal should have been nominated and should win this category, but okay. Also how is Robert Morse a “guest” actor.

Guest Actress in a Drama Series

• Kate Burton (“Scandal”)
• Jane Fonda (“The Newsroom”)
• Allison Janney (“Masters of Sex”)
• Kate Mara (“House of Cards”)
• Margo Martindale (“The Americans”)
• Diana Rigg (“Game of Thrones”)

Kate Mara? She was in 15 minutes of the show. Jane Fonda better take this one home

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

The Nominee Ranking

1. Andre Braugher Brooklyn Nine-Nine
2. Ty Burrell Modern Family
3. Jesse Tyler Ferguson Modern Family
4. Tony Hale Veep
5. Fred Armisen Portlandia
6. Adam Driver Girls

Ehh supporting actor list comes up short as usual in the comedy department.

The Left Out

I will say it again. Entire New Girl cast.

The Inevitable Victor

Jesse Tyler Ferguson

On the most popular show on TV? Check. At least somewhat funny? Check. Playing a gay man? Check-ish. Oh you’re Cam from Modern Family? Not check. Oh well three out of four isn’t bad.

The Most Deserving

Andre Braugher

The man has literally perfected deadpan humor.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

The Nominee Ranking

1. Anna Chlumsky Veep
2. Kate Mulgrew Orange is the New Black
3. Julie Bowen Modern Family
4. Allison Jannery Mom
5. Mayim Bialik The Big Bang Theory

Never seen Saturday Night Live so no way for me to rank Kate McKinnon.

But I really really hope she was incredible because the rest of these nominations were depressing at best. They nominated Allison Jannery for her work in the unwatchable, painfully unfunny Mom but not Masters of Sex? Okay.

The Left Out

I… I can’t even. Just look at that list. Pick a random show. Point at a second billed actress. You’ve just found a better choice than almost all of these women.

The Inevitable Victor

Kate Mulgrew

I have a sneaking suspicion Orange is the New Black is going to clean up at this Emmys, and I don’t like it.

The Most Deserving

Anna Chlumsky

Her role might not be anywhere near as poignant as Red but she’s very good at playing the harrowed cutthroat assistant Amy Brookheimer in Veep.

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series

• Bob Newhart (“The Big Bang Theory”)
• Nathan Lane (“Modern Family”)
• Steve Buscemi (“Portlandia”)
• Jimmy Fallon (“Saturday Night Live”)
• Louis C.K. (“Saturday Night Live”)
• Gary Cole (“Veep”)

It seems like SNL guests usually win this category so look for Louis C.K. or Jimmy Fallon to walk away with this.

Guest Actress in a Comedy Series

• Uzo Aduba (“Orange Is the New Black”)
• Laverne Cox (“Orange Is the New Black”)
• Joan Cusack (“Shameless”)
• Tina Fey (“Saturday Night Live”)
• Natasha Lyonne (“Orange Is the New Black”)
• Melissa McCarthy (“Saturday Night Live”)

If you think anyone not named Laverne Cox is getting this award you’re smoking something I’d like to get my grubby little hands on.

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie

• Matt Bomer (“The Normal Heart”)
• Martin Freeman (“Sherlock: His Last Vow”)
• Colin Hanks (“Fargo”)
• Joe Mantello (“The Normal Heart”)
• Alfred Molina (“The Normal Heart”)
• Jim Parsons (“The Normal Heart”)

Still haven’t seen The Normal Heart since it was mentioned in this article above I guess I should.

Supporting actress in a Miniseries or a Movie

• Angela Bassett (“American Horror Story: Coven”)
• Kathy Bates (“American Horror Story: Coven”)
• Ellen Burstyn (“Flowers in the Attic”)
• Frances Conroy (“American Horror Story: Coven”)
• Julia Roberts (“The Normal Heart”)
• Allison Tolman (“Fargo”)

I would be surprised if Kathy Bates didn’t win. Then again Roberts has a way of stealing things from more deserving people—read into that what you will.

The Important Technical Awards

I’m going to run through these quick because I’ve already written 3500 words on a topic I didn’t even know I cared about.

For the rest I won’t be listing the nominees just telling you my thoughts. To save space and shit. You want a full nomination list get it from these people I think they probably know what they’re talking about.

Writing for a Drama Series

Nic Pizzolatto will win this for his writing on True Detective if only for that last episode and that terrible scene with Matthew McConaughey and Michelle Monaghan. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more disturbing and depressing sex scene before, and I’ve seen Oldboy. But I still think David Benioff and D.B. Weiss should win. Sure they are adapting a script as opposed to writing an original but, they’ve been killing it for four years now.

Directing for a Drama Series

Carl Franklin, House of Cards, should win, I’m not sure if he will but he brought the destruction of the fourth wall back. And it’s much different than I remember. Funny Games had forever ruined the breaking of the fourth wall for me, or so I thought, the more I watch Frank Underwood turn to the camera the more excited I get about what’s coming next. Also not for nothing I have rarely in my life exclaimed out loud watching something alone. Only one of those times was out of being literally too impressed to keep quiet. That was when I saw Lesli Linka Glatter’s amazing shot in the “Fallout” episode of Masters of Sex.

Writing for a Comedy Series

Where is the meta humor of Community? Not represented I guess. But either way Louie is the clear winner here. Best written show on TV: comedy, drama, soap opera, show about fat people losing wait, all of them.

Directing for a Comedy Series

Tristram Shapeero. No he’s not nominated for all of you scanning frantically but I would think that the man behind the camera for “Repilot”, “Basic Intergluteal Numismatics”, “Cooperative Polygraphy”, and “VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing” would deserve a nomination. But again, should and will go to Louis C.K.

Writing for a Miniseries, Movie, or a Dramatic Special

How does one choose between Neil Cross and Steven Moffat? You don’t because luckily I don’t actually have to give anyone any awards. So, ha!

Directing for a Miniseries, Movie, or Dramatic Special

I don’t remember off the top of my head what episode(s) of Fargo Colin Bucksey directed and I’m too lazy to Google them right not. But I do remember that none of them were anywhere near as good as “His Last Vow” so this one has to go to Nick Hurran.

Notable Stuff from the Rest

The Emmys’ hand out an ungodly amount of awards and I don’t even know what half of them are for much less have I watched nearly enough crap to tell you who should win categories like “Editing for nonfiction programming” or “Technical direction, camerawork, video control for a miniseries, movie or a special”. But I do think I’ve covered all the really important ones. But just in case I will put some of my thoughts from the remaining awards as I scroll down this massive document.

The crew behind the scenes of any film or show are the unsung heroes of Hollywood. Not sure I’ve ever types something that cliché before in my life. But it’s the truth, do you think Gravity would have been anywhere near as good without its impeccable sound editing? Or that the D day scene in Saving Private Ryan wouldn’t be the most famous scene in any film were it not for the editing? The answer to both of those questions is a resounding no. But they’re so unsung I know they’re unsung and I’m still not singing their praise—mostly because I just hit 4218 words and I have maybe two regular reader, but still.

The Quick Hits

What you’re about to get is just my random thoughts as I scroll down the nomination list.

• Billy Crystal has a variety special on HBO? Doing what?
• Do they just print out the nomination ballot with the Kennedy Center Honors on it?
• Shit. I’ve got to watch that Sarah Silverman Special
• Why do people like Inside Amy Schumer I think I watched like two episodes and it wasn’t good. Like the Kroll Show but with less testosterone.
• What is a “Special Class Program” and did the really nominate the Oscars, Golden Globes, Tony Awards, and that awful mess The Sound of Music Live! for it?
• Oh shit, Obama could win an Emmy, but only if Bruno Mars doesn’t beat him. Don’t think that’s a sentence I ever thought I’d say.
• Degrassi is back on TV? I wonder how Drake feels about that.
• A narrator list without Morgan Freeman is just a list of people talking to themselves in a room alone.
• I thought the Wahlburgers got cancelled during the first episode.
• Oh wow, they actually didn’t fuck up the Animated program nominees
• I think we should give Seth MacFarlane the Emmy just to fuck with him.
• Give Cosmos all the awards that shit was amazing.
• We still give out awards for multi-camera shows? Why? Wait, is it still 1983 on TV and no one told me?!
• I love that there’s a company called General Imagination. I just like to think they sell exclusively Crayons and used action figures and when you buy them the angry middle-aged woman at the cash register turns to you and says, “I imagine myself not being at this fucking job all day but it doesn’t work. That’s $3.99 for your one-legged Power Ranger and “flesh-toned” Crayon… no sir there are no discounts for slightly chewed merchandise.”
• Oh shit, I forgot Once Upon a Time was still on TV. But clearly Mad Men is winning Costume design
• Why would need different hairstyling awards for multi and single camera shows?
• I remember when I saw the first episode of Silicon Valley I turned to my friend and said, that’s going to win Main Title Design. Now I’m halfway there.
• Hold up. Hold the fuck up. Barbra Streisand went “back to Brooklyn”? I can’t wait for the sequel David Bowie: The Return to Harlem.
• Oh super they do know Community exists. Nominated for stunt coordination among comedy series. Against the modern classic Sam & Cat no doubt.
• I have a headache.