Your Summer Movie Roundup (2 Months Late)

The summer movie preview 2014 edition has arrived–now sit down, contain your excitement you’re a grown ass person.  Here it is, everything you need to know about the important movies coming out (some that have already come out) this summer.  It’s two and a half months late because why the fuck not right?  We’re already late: down to business.

Don’t Go See it:

The movies you’ve heard about but should avoid.  Like the plague but these won’t even get you out of work.

Blended

It’s a shitty movie, both unfunny and racist.  It also manages to star Adam Sandlar and Drew Barrymore, again—for some reason.  Sure Adam Sandler was once beloved by someone, in fact there’s a whole group of people out there who once thought this man was a comic genius.  Regardless of what you may have thought at one point, Sandler is the absolute bottom of the barrel now, which is saying a lot.

The Fault In Our Stars

Here is the first of my long list of movie placements that might just piss you off.  The Fault in Our Stars has gotten good reviews from basically everyone (80% on Rotten Tomatoes with a 6.8 rating).  The truth is however as depressing as the movie itself.  Shailene Woodley is actually a very good actor who unfortunately suffers from the Hollywood disease of being a pretty 20 year old girl, with just a spectacular haircut.  This means she’s been relegated to angsty crap and worse adaptations of really awful literature.  Again, Woodley is trapped in a meandering story, this time it’s about two teens dying of cancer that is so heavy handed and boring that its only real plus side is it will make you cry, but like—cry like a big ol’ bitch.  Whether the film succeeds in that venture or not is irrelevant to the fact that the writing is sloppy and the plot is.. oh who gives a fuck.  This is the slasher movie of emotions, it’s really bad but it’ll make most people tear up with its lilting score and close-ups on pained expressions, you’re either into that sort of shit, or you’re not.

Moms’ Night Out

I would call this an unfunny comedy, but I’m not 100% sure this was a comedy.  The funniest part of the film were the credits: starring a cast full of people that you either didn’t realize were still actors or people who actually aren’t actors, directed by two people you’ve never heard of, and released by a studio who’s goal for 2013 and 2014 is to release the worst movies you’ve ever seen—and Elysium.  I’m not exactly sure how this sexist mess made it to the big screen but it’s almost immediate exit tells the whole story.

Jersey Boys

This is how I imagine the pitch meeting for Jersey Boys went:

Guy A: I’ve got a great idea!  *Leans over and takes another bump of cocaine*
Guy B: Run it by me.
Guy A: We should make a movie version of a celebrated Broadway musical.
Guy B: Aren’t those almost usually pretty terrible?
Guy A:  Name one!
Guy B: Mamma Mia!, A Little Night Magic, Rent, Nine, the Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables.
Guy A: Right okay okay.  But we’ll do this one differently.
Guy B: Which musical are you thinking about doing?  Because I’ve always thought Avenue Q could be a good…
Guy A: No, no, no.  I saw this one on the bus bench the other day.  Jersey Boys.
Guy B:  I don’t know… sounds risky, the Franki Valli story seems like a dangerous one to try and play out on…
Guy A: *takes another bump of coke* Clint Eastwood should direct it.
Guy B: Oh well then definitely.

Look, yes some of the greatest films of all time have been musicals and some of the greatest stage performances as well.  What you cannot say about any of those classics though is that they are directed by a raving lunatic who is most well-known for his work as psycho cop, psycho cowboy, psycho escaped prisoner, psycho cowboy again, psycho racist old man, and psycho old man yelling at a stool.  Is the slow talking anti-hero really the best guy to direct this movie?  No, and that is clear now.

Sex Tape

The cast may be a lot of big names and familiar faces.  But upon closer examination you will note none of them have been good in anything since 2006.  But on the plus side they hired Kate Angelo to write, famous for her work on the Bernie Mac Show and Will & Grace, unfortunately Angelo’s first venture in to romantic comedy film was a travesty and it looks like she’s following it up with an equally bungled mess.

The Signal

I warned you guys sci-fi movies were hit or miss.  It’s easy to point fingers in this failure of a movie.  You could easily say Brenton Thwaits was everything we didn’t want and less.  It would certainly also be fair to accuse William and Carlyle Eubanks’ clunky writing for the flop.  You could say the grandiose intentions of rookie director William Eubanks, and admittedly brilliant directorial choices, stretched his talent-lacking cast and crew past their limits.  But you’d be wrong in fact it was the plot, both confusing and predictable, a combination hard to achieve, that gave this film a shift death despite its lofty intentions.

Tammy

Let’s pretend for a second that Melissa McCarthy has had a successful career as most comedy critics would have you believe.  Let’s pretend for a moment that being handed a begrudging nomination for an Oscar she was less likely to win than Tyler Perry is to win Best Director before I die is a triumph.  Now–this woman has had a successful career.  Can anyone tell me why?  McCarthy has been in 7 movies since 2010, one of them was decent, the others unwatchable.  The common argument is that she is succeeding in an industry riddled with Barbie dolls and talent-less bimbos while being unattractive and that she manages to hang with the boys.  That’s one of the more offensive things I hear come out of people’s mouths who profess to be enlightened.  There are dozens of actresses both attractive and not who can act their asses off with the best of them.  Maybe it is her American appeal: you can be fat and succeed, “now shut the fuck up while I shove this Big Mac down my face.”  I would venture to say McCarthy, like many before her, is “succeeding” because she is fat and not despite it.  Relying on unfunny body humor and low brow high-concept films is the staple of the actor who gets labeled “fatty” and laughed at instead of with.  I understand the desire to root for the underdog, but the underdog here is losing and failing you.  Partially because of the system but mostly because she lacks the talent.  And after seeing The Heat there’s little chance I will be sitting through another 105 minute movie starring Ms. McCarthy.  But boy can that girl really jerk-off the lowest common denominator.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Stop fucking letting Michael Bay ruin shit from our childhood.  Stop it.  That’s all I have to say.

Think Like A Man Too

First off, Kevin Hart can’t save this movie, no one of the funniest men on Earth can’t save this movie so let’s get that out of the way right now.  The Black ensemble comedy is in a dark place guys and if there were ever a man I would hire to revive it is Kevin Hart.  Unfortunately the way to revive something that is dead is not by taking the broken shit and trying to use it again, “no don’t sew his fucking head on its got a giant hole in it.” What the fuck are we doing here guys?  Stop saying Tim Story is the guy who brought you Barbershop.  While it is true, it is far more accurate to say Story is the man who brought you two Fantastic Four movies, Taxi, Think Like a Man, and Ride Along.  Admittedly he is also the man who brought you Gisele patting down Jennifer Esposito, so he can’t be all evil.

Transformers: Age Of Extinction

There I just saved you 15 bucks.

No but seriously, stop giving him shit to ruin from my childhood.  It’s not funny anymore.

Walk Of Shame

Let’s think about the kind of person who would find this movie funny.  Now let’s all ask ourselves one important question: do we want to know this person?  If the answer was not a resounding no, this is not the place for you.  A high concept comedy that stars a woman that hasn’t yet proved that she is funny surrounded by people who have proved they are very unfunny.  Sounds like a good time to me too.  It does have one draw for a section of our society though.  Like The Other Woman and Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, if you really hate women this is the summer movie for you.  For those of you with a modicum of self-worth it might be best to pass this one by.

Wish I Was Here

This should just be titled Zach Braff Tries Again.  Look, if you love Zach Braff’s form of self-deprecating, “but I swear I’m not trying to be funny” humor then you should be very excited for this movie.  Despite the fact that it will be little more than a hodgepodge of previously tried ideas and poorly placed indie film troupes.  The critics are unimpressed and that never bodes well for an indie comedy because they eat those fuckers up like alcoholic gummy bears.

Only if You’ve got Time to Kill:

These are not great movies but it’s the summer, its not like you’ve got other shit to do like go outside and play with butterflies or something.  Go see them if you don’t want to stare at a waterfall in 100 degree weather.

Belle

A beautifully executed period piece that unfortunately is hindered from success by its odd pacing and sub-par effort from many of the supporting cast.  It subtly handles difficult social issues and manages to stay interesting for more of the film that I originally suspected.

Chef

A superstar cast is one thing.  A witty comedy is another.  Chef is good, but not great.  You won’t be banging your head against the wall because you missed it in theaters.  It is beautifully shot and funny enough that it distracts you from the fact you’ve seen this movie 100 times before.  While not ambitious the movie is a good enough time to be worth a few duckets.

The Expendables 3

You’ve got to give The Expendables this: it will be the most awesome movie you ever see about terrible music and mid-life crises.

Most of you will be confused to see this here instead of one category up.  Because I can assure you, this movie will be a piece of absolute shit, it just will be.  But it’ll have people punching other people and isn’t that all we really wanted from the aging Stallone anyway?

The Giver

There isn’t much to say about this movie yet.  Cast looks fine; Phillip Noyce, while not a particularly stellar director isn’t the worst thing to happen to a movie; and there’s no real reason The Giver wouldn’t make a fine movie.  It just looks really really boring.  Granted, I was never the huge fan of the book that most people are but just from the few trailers I’ve seen this looks like a poor adaptation of a celebrated novel.  But what else is new?

God’s Pocket

Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s first posthumous release is a tad disappointing.  The critics will tell you it is awful, as per usual, they are wrong.  God’s Pocket is funny and challenging if a bit cluttered.  The cast holds up amazingly in what can only be described as a muddling of a great script by the director.

Godzilla

As far as summer fun goes Godzilla has it in spades.  Big and loud and the action is nonstop.  There is little point to the human characters in the film however.  And while many might argue there is no plot, giant sea monster comes to fuck up your city, seems like a fine enough plot to me.

Hercules

I’m going to be completely honest with you right now.  I have no fucking idea what to expect from this movie.  But when was the last time a movie like this was incredible?  I’m guessing we’ll get a passable film with big monsters, and that’s just fine with me.

Jupiter Ascending

Oooo cool… wait, what?

Channing Tatum across Mila Kunis seems good on paper.  But screams of a movie that has no idea what it wants to be.  And will spend equal times being an epic, sci-fi, romance, mind-fuck and will come out the other end a hard to follow mess with two charismatic stars carrying it to mediocrity.  Then again, it could be 2001: A Space Odyssey, what the fuck do I know?

Maleficent

Conceptually it was cool.  Visually it was interesting.  Sound editing-wise it was fun.  Angelina Jolie was great.  Movie was, “ehh”.  I mean what are you going to do right?  You can’t shove a horror movie into a kids movie very easily.  And what normally comes out is a boring movie with little magic and even less thrill.  And that’s exactly what we got this time.

Million Dollar Arm

I hate to say anything bad about a movie made-ish by Bill Simmons staring Jon Hamm and Lake Bell, I really do.  But Million Dollar Arm ends up just being another Disney sports movie with the added caveat of a charming lead man.  You’d probably just be better off watching Remember are the Titans again.

A Million Ways To Die in the West

A Comedians’ comedian.  MacFarlane isn’t out to please everyone which is evidenced by Ted which I loved, and his Oscar hosting which was the best I’d ever seen.  And the cast is hilarious, and super duper hot to boot.  Million Ways is a little too long and at times may be a yawn.  It’s not Blazing Saddles but will any movie ever be again?

Neighbors

Eh.  That’s really what best describes this movie.  It has its funny moments and its unfunny moments.  It’s excellent cast members and its bad ones.  Neighbors is 50% great and 50% bad which ends up evening out to 100% pretty okay.

The Purge: Anarchy

The first one was great, minus that fucking kid who should have been shot.  It should have been bad but it wasn’t.  I’m not going to bet against this sequel but in my experience lighting rarely strikes in the same place twice.

They Came Together

Another movie I can’t say I have any thoughts on.  Could be really bad.  Could be really good.  Who knows?

You Must See These Movies:

Honestly, pretty self explanatory; there are movies coming out this summer, these are the ones that matter.

22 Jump Street

For more on the summer’s best comedy.

Likely to finish 2014 as the years funniest movie.  That seems like all you should need to know right?

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Everyone told you that Spider-Man didn’t need a sequel.  I beg to differ.  I’ve said my piece on this so you can check that out if you must know more.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Few trailers have the ability to get me excited about a movie I had previously written off.  The post-apocalyptic orgy that is the Planet of the Apes trailer is likely the first.  It looks awesome and sports a cast that could propel this thunderous piece to a new height.

Filth

Why doesn’t everyone love James Mcavoy as much as I do?  A question I find myself asking a lot.   John S. Baird does a pretty good impression of Guy Ritchie and on top of that the film is both witty and pleasantly unpleasant.  Shot like a music video for a Prodigy track Filth is one of the years successes from my favorite nation in the world.

Get On Up

The black version of Jersey Boys staring the guy who played Jackie Robinson.  I’m down.  James Brown is the most important figure in American music.  Not black music.  Not Soul music.  The most important figure in American music bar none.  A biopic about him could be excellent, and looks really good.

Jimi: All Is By My Side

I was unconvinced about this one.  But everyone is raving about Andre 3000 playing Jimi, and that was my only real worry for this film.  And a film about the recording of one of the greatest albums in music history is hard to fuck up.  A healthy serving of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll is in store and there’s not much more you need for a healthy balanced breakfast.

Let’s Be Cops

What’s the worst part of New Girl?  Zooey Deschannel.  So make a movie without her (admittedly the Winston gap is killing me a little too but you can’t have it all), genius.  Damon Wayans Jr. is the last (and maybe first) funny Wayans so let’s not ruin this guys career.

Lucy

I feel like everyone is excited for this movie, so I just won’t say anything else about it.  But glaring gaps in scientific understanding aside this could be Salt done right, and wouldn’t we all like to see that?

A Most Wanted Man

Phillip Hoffman’s penultimate piece seems to be a success.  A terrorist thriller about the spies that fight for their country and go too far in the process may be a plot we’ve seen rehashed before but not in this way.  Hoffman is to play the puppeteer forcing the possibly innocent into service for queen and country.  The cast is sure to be riveting and Anton Corbijn might not be the most storied director but we’ve seen his ability to get out of his star’s way.

Obvious Child

Gillian Robespierre is hilarious.  And since she wrote, directed, and starred in this there’s not much here to go wrong.  It’s easy to make a comedy about two idiots being cops, even easier to make one about tow idiots pretending to be cops.  Not so easy to make one about abortion.  But the film manages to be clever and funny without feeling like it’s trying to push the boundaries which is good because you’re Jean Ralphio’s sister, you have no business pushing anything.

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Another Marvel series that needed a pseudo-reboot.  And just like the Amazing Spider-Man 2 this sequel manages to outclass the first.  Read more.

In the Running for the Summer’s Best:

These are five movies this summer that are not to be fucked with.  These are the five movies most likely to exit this summer unbloodied and unbeaten at the top of the pile.  You are looking at the five contenders for this years summer masterpiece.

Edge Of Tomorrow

Easily the best movie I’ve seen thus far this summer.  Emily Blunt is a knock out and it plays well on the best aspects of science fiction fandom.  Want more shit I say about this?  Read up.

Frank Miller’s Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

Apparently you have to say the whole title every time.  Like A Pimp Named Slickback.  I’m all about this movie.  I’m not the most excited person in the world for this follow up to the modern classic Frank Miller’s Sin City.  But I’m not that far down the list.  I’m hoping that the time between movies was taken to perfect its release and that it will be just as great as the first.  Plus, Eva Green.

Guardians Of The Galaxy

I’m not going to say anything about this except: the guardians have always been the shit.  And Rocket Racoon is about to take the world by storm, I guarantee it, and I’d like to say I was riding the bandwagon before.  Get ready, this is Marvel’s big movie of the year they stuck it in the follow up blockbuster release slot (after the mid-May releases that saw huge releases like X-Men Days of Future Past and The Avengers) and that’s a big vote of confidence for a set of characters without much recognition and for a first in the series.  That’s good though because it means they trust it to be fantastic.  Plus, Chris Pratt.

The Immigrant

Marion Cotillard, tears it up in this period drama.  And Jeremy Renner and the rest of the supporting cast pile on to the awesome.  It’s beautiful, directed amazingly, and written well.  This is the only movie I am 100% sure will make the best picture nominee this year and it is well deserving of it.  You might be thinking, “This is not my cup of tea.”  It is, I promise thee.

Snowpiercer

This will be the best movie of the summer.  I’m calling my shot I have not seen it yet even though it came out last Thursday.  That is because Michael Bay released a montage of boobs and explosions, called it a movie, and everyone decided they’d play that instead.  Those people fucked up, maybe not as bad as the Trail Blazers when the picked Greg Oden over Kevin Durant.  They might not have even fucked up as bad as the Oscar board when they chose Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan.  They definitely didn’t fuck up anywhere near as much as Christina Hendricks when she chose Geoffrey Arend over me.  But just like the Blazers, the Oscar committee, and Mrs. Hendricks, they shall all eat crow.  Look, I may have not seen it yet but I’ve read the graphic novel, which is actually incredible.  And on top of that this movie has been out in South Korea for over a year and if even 10% of what I’ve heard about is true this will blow your mind.  Post-apocalyptic greatness vs. roboporn: you choose.