The Warrior of Westeros- Round 2

Okay, I’ve learned my lesson.  Don’t ever start a project a week before finals.  If I insist on doing that make sure that week isn’t two weeks from the start of a full-time job with a two hour commute.  If I’m too stupid to take THOSE hints, don’t give that so called project a time limit.  April Absurdity seemed like a great title when people still remembered March Madness.  April was so fucking long ago only two states even remember who won the March Madness Tournament.  April was so long ago I was 20 pounds heavier and still thought Oxymoron might eek into the top ten come years end.  In fact I started this tournament so long ago Game of Thrones still sported the chiseled face of one of my new favorite characters and didn’t have this absolutely unnecessary and entirely infuriating love story between a 13 year old and a man with no dick.

That being said.  Let’s get down to business (to defeat the Huns):

If this is the first time you’re reading this you should familiarize yourself with the Prelims first.

Just a Reminder of the Rules:

This is “Game of Thrones” not A Song of Ice and Fire.  It is also only seasons 1-3 of Game of Thrones so if they don’t appear before this season, they don’t qualify.

All characters will be at “best form” throughout the three seasons (e.g.: Jaime with both hands).

Also all characters will get any equipment or animals they need to be in “best form” meaning Robb and Jon get their wolves and Khal gets his horse, also Barristan and others have their armor.

How it’s Done:

Every match up is best of 100, to the death.  They meet on a plain old arena, think Final Destination.

And Round Two Beginninth:

Robb Stark vs Qotho

Robb Stark

How This Goes Down:

Qotho is quick, and battle hardened.  But he got his shit handed to him by little Mormont because of armor.  Robb Stark is more skilled than Jorah and has just as much armor and far more giant dogs than him.  Barring Qotho’s ability to make quick work of Grey Wind (which is a huge if) he doesn’t stand a chance against the flank and fuck offense of Robb Stark and the only dog I’ve ever liked.

Why Robb:

Kingly military training and a big ass wolf.  We done here?

Outcome:

Robb Stark 87 wins

Joarh Mormont vs Thoros of Myr

Thoros of Myr

How it Goes Down:

Two swords, two suits of armor, and one god.  Jorah has almost nothing going for him in this fight.  Evenly matched these two have definitely seen their best days past them and without the substantial advantage of plate armor Mormont has been enjoying since he found his child love in Esos.  How this turns out is really dependent on how sneaky Thoros can be, which in our estimation is entirely too sneaky for the washed up slavemaster.

Why Thoros:

I wouldn’t fuck with the red god.

Outcome:

Thoros of Myr 62 wins

Renly Baratheon vs Daario Naharis

Daario Naharis

How This Goes Down:

Let me paint you a word picture.  Two men meet in a field.  The first man, dressed in gold armor draws in sword and stands in the ready position, fire in his eyes as he prepares for battle.  A smile creeps across his face as he remembers all the blood that has spilled across this sword.  The youngest of three brothers he has always had to prove himself against the scrutiny of others.  Through him runs royal blood and noble ambitions, and in his mind’s eye he sees all those that have laughed in his face with accusations of youthful ignorance and foolhardy ambitions.  But none of this matters now as the red sun catches his eye as it shines from his blade and is distorted by the nicks and dings of his past triumphs.  Then the other man throws a knife into his fucking face and he dies.

Why Daario:

Because, Game of Thrones will bend your emotions over a barrel and fuck them sideways.

Outcome:

Daario Naharis 58 wins

Barristan Selmy vs Alliser Thorne

Barriston Selmy

How This Goes Down:

Selmy is a legendary fighter with the acute ability to win one-on-one battles.  Alliser Thorne is the loathed leader of a band of thieves and rapists.  I don’t really have much to say about this match up except it’s hard to see a situation where Thorne comes out on top ever in this fight.

Why Barristan:

Outcome:

Barristan Selmy 84 wins

Eddard Stark vs Rodrick Cassel

Eddard Stark

How This Goes Down:

I will remind you for a second that feelings for other characters don’t matter.  Hypothetical situations.

Rodrick Cassel draws his sword and charges toward Ned.  Ned tilts his shoulder and raises blade and Rodrick’s blow glances off of it.  With a quick side step Ned is looking at Cassel’s back as he stumbles away from the failed assault.  He raises his blade and stabs through the back and the retreating man and he falls to the ground sword still gripped tightly in his hands.

That’s how it goes down.

Why Ned:

Younger, stronger, better, faster, smarter, he’s a fucking Kanye West Song.  Cassel is a Loretta Lynn song.
Yes I just googled “old female country singers” come at me.

Jon Snow vs Berric Dondarrion

Jon Snow

How This Goes Down

The battle of the wolf and the boy who knows nothing versus the man who can never die would make a great 80’s B movie.  Wouldn’t make much of a battle.  Jon alone would likely be able to hand Dondarrion his shit Ghost by his lonesome would likely be able to rip out Dondarrion’s good eye along with his throat.  Dondarrion could light 100 swords on fire and still lose this fight.  But still, what a great poster that would make.

Why Jon:

Because winter keeps coming and people keep dying.

Outcome:

Jon Snow 93 wins

Loras Tyrell vs Syrio Forel

Loras Tyrell

How This Goes Down:

This is real man shit right here.  Swords will flash, blood will spill and one of the most decorated swordsman in the seven kingdoms will fall.  Loras is trouble, I mean he’s a Tyrell so that makes sense, but he’s more trouble than most.  And Syrio Forel killed three guys with a wooden sword, I think that’s the definition of “nuff said”.

Why Syrio:

Because 2 votes beats one.  This was a pretty split decision honestly this could have gone either way.

Outcome:

Syrio Forel 55 wins

Benjen Stark vs Anguy

Anguy

How This Goes Down:

Anguy, my dark horse to win this whole thing, would just give Benjen Stark the work like he was a 12 year old and Stark was a cute redhead.  I mean sure if Stark closes the distance Anguy is fucked but what are the chances he can close the distance on a guy that can thread an arrow better than a tiny Vietnamese child can thread a needle?

Why Anguy:

This. But with less unnecessary slow motion and terrifying “To Catch a Predator” music.  Or more maybe, whatever floats your boat.

Outcome:

Anguy 72 wins

Ilyn Payne vs Qhorin Halfhand

Qhorin Halfhand

How This Goes Down:

With an evil look in his eye, Ilyn Payne draws his cutthroat, ready to gut the insolent crow before him.  Payne sees and imperceptible shift in weight to the right, with a lunge he attacks the man’s left side.  But with a flash and a streak of crimson Halfhand brings down his thick sword down on Payne’s wrist.  Ilyn Payne opens his mouth letting out a silent scream, punctuated with the sickening squish of his hand falling to the ground.  Another slash and Payne’s head lays next to his hand, mouth open in the silent scream.

Why Qhorin:

Years of killing Wildlings for funzies has to count for something.

Outcome:

Qhorin Halfhand 68 wins

Brienne of Tarth vs Mance Rayder

Brienne of Tarth

How This Goes Down:

Things Brienne has on Mance:

Things Mance has on Brienne:

  • ….a penis? I guess?
  • Nothing. He has nothing, he’s fucked.

Why Brienne:

I did this already.

Outcome:

Brienne of Tarth 84 wins

Grey Worm vs Jamie Lannister

Jaime Lannister

How This Goes Down:

With a valiant effort on Grey Worm’s part but an ultimate victory on Jamie’s part.  Some people like Grey Worm, and some people hate Jamie (both of those people are wrong. Yes I just said your opinion was in correct).  But the truth is with two hands Jamie would fuck Grey Worm 12 ways from Leap Day.  Head of the Unsullied is great and all but champion of Westeros is a little better.

Why Jamie:

Sometimes you just gotta let the blonde haired blue-eyed guy beat the brown guy.  Sometimes.

Outcome:

Jamie Lannister 65 wins

Stannis Baratheon vs Mero

Mero

How This Goes Down:

The sound of metal clashing rings from around the bend and Davos Seaworth runs to see the commotion.  As he rounds the bend the thick brush gives way to a small clearing where Stannis is battling a large man dressed in leather armor with the Second Sons insignia emblazoned on the back.  The man is laughing as he parries the blows of Stannis.  A lucky blow glances off the man’s chest and a stream of red begins to leak from underneath his armor.

“Yes!” exclaims Seaworth under his breath.  The smile slides from the man’s face.  “Now you’ve upset me.  Before, I was going to kill you.  Now I’m going to kill you, and fuck your red woman, your wife, and your daughter too.”  The man draws a second blade from his side and lounges at Stannis.  A few deft moves later Stannis lay on his back reaching for his blade a foot out of reach. “No!” Seaworth screamed as the man slit Stannis’s throat from ear to ear.

Why Mero:

Sick, horny bastard with a sword.  Why not Mero?

Outcome:

Mero 82 wins

Yara Greyjoy vs Khal Drogo

Khal Drogo

How This Goes Down:

The Iron Islands are resilient as hell and Yara/Asha is just a vicious ax wielding lady of awesome.  The problem is Khal Drogo and his horse can really only be defeated by black witch magic.  Yara has none of that.

Why Drogo:

Big man with long hair.

Outcome:

Khal Drogo 94 wins

Gregor Clegane vs Ygritte

Gregor Clegane

How This Goes Down:

Yeah, I don’t see me talking about this one really.  The cue redhead gets the ax, both literally and physically.

Why Gregor Clegane:

Because there is no god.

Outcome:

Gregor Clegane 99 wins

Bronn vs. Sandor Clegane

Sandor Clegane

How this Goes Down:

I can’t see a fight being more evenly matched than this one.  Clegane might be bigger, but he’s slower and Bronn is just better at the end of the day.  But as we’ve seen many times in the past skill doesn’t always mean shit when their bigger and wearing tons of armor.  I had faith in Bronn giving him the edge over the lumbering half-face but I was outvoted yet again.  So here we are… again.

Why Sandor:

Armor is apparently the greatest invention ever. Fuck you light bulb, suck it telephone, take that internet, there is a new king in town.  And he’s got shiny steel plate armor.

Outcome:

Sandor Clegane 51 wins

Shagga vs Daenerys Targaryen

Dani

How This Goes Down:

Most people would think that we would just give the whole thing to Daenerys Stormborn just off the bat, three dragons ain’t no joke.  And you would be right in this case.  But don’t get too cocky Dany fans not only is she a teenage girl with literally zero combat training, her dragons are still tiny as fuck.  Plus we all hate Daenerys so no one was really arguing that hard for her.  But it is true, Shagga may have the sharpest ax in Westeros but he’s dumb as a box of rocks that got dropped on his head as a baby—twice.  And he’s just not that great at the end of the day, 100 Stonecrows are quite formidable one guy with a poor grasp on language, just kind of a joke.

Why Daenerys:

Because dragons were enough, for now.

Outcome:

Daenerys Targaryen 72 wins.

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