Game of Thrones April Absurdity Tournament: Round One

If this is the first time you’re reading this you should familiarize yourself with the Prelims first

Just a Reminder of the Rules:

This is “Game of Thrones” not A Song of Ice and Fire.  It is also only seasons 1-3 of Game of Thrones so if they don’t appear before this season, they don’t qualify.

All characters will be at “best form” throughout the three seasons (e.g.: Jaime with both hands).

Also all characters will get any equipment or animals they need to be in “best form” meaning Robb and Jon get their wolves and Khal gets his horse, also Barristan and others have their armor.

How it’s Done:

Every match up is best of 100, to the death.  They meet on a plain old arena, think Final Destination.

And Round One Beginith:

Robb Stark vs. Prendahl na Ghezn

Outcome: Robb Stark 77 wins

Why: Robb may not be the master of combat that the Second Son’s second in command is.  But the fact is Robb swings a big sword and swings it well, unfortunately for him he fights with honor.  But Grey Winds is basically a man killing machine.  So sorry Prendahl but even the few times you might make quick work or Grey Wind Robb is smart enough to take advantage of the distraction.

Davos Seaworth vs. Qotho

Outcome: Qotho 95 wins

Why: Qotho is a high level Dothraki and Davos Seaworth is an old smuggler with a fucked up hand.  Case closed.

Rakharo vs. Jorah Mormont

Outcome: Jorah Mormont 70 wins

Why: Jorah proved he could kill him a Dotraki or two if necessary.  Let’s be clear, not because Mormont is at all a badass.  He’s just got some purrty purrty plate armor.  This would be a weird fight mostly because it seems like Rakharo is the only Dothraki that really likes the weird white guy who showed up out of nowhere.

Thoros of Myr vs. Rickard Karstark

Outcome: Thoro of Myr 63 wins

Why: Old guy fight!  Thoros is still in the thick of it and this is the first match up that we had a little bit of an argument about.  This was more of a gut feeling than anything else.  Plus he’s got the Red God on his side so, ya know, there’s that.

Janos Slynt vs. Renly Baratheon

Outcome: Renly Baratheon 80 wins

Why: There are few characters more beloved than Renly and more loathed than Janos Slynt so it’s good to see the favorite of the Baratheon brothers put steal to the traitorous gold cloak.

Yoren vs. Daario Naharis

Outcome: Daario Naharis wins 70

Why: Yoren may be a brother of the night’s watch but there is no way he could be a match for Daario.

Barristan Selmy vs. Meryn Trant

Outcome: Barristan Selmy 82 wins

Why: Sure, Meryn is more of a dick than Selmy, and younger too.  But in this case the student never surpassed the master.  Truer words were never spoken when he assured his gold cloaks he could cut through them like butter.

Alliser Thorne vs. Salladhor Saan

Outcome: Alliser Thorne 88 wins

Why: Another smuggler meets their death at the hands of a stupider man with a bigger sword.

Eddard Stark vs. Tormund Giantsbane

Outcome: Eddard Stark 94 wins

Why: If even half the things Tormund Giantsbane says are true than Ned would be in for a real beating.  It’s a good thing that likely none of what he says are at all true.  Giantsbane, like all the wildings, are really only dangerous en masse.  Untrained and unarmored, with less than makeshift weaponry Giantsbane may be no slouch at combat but Ned Stark was a legendary fighter, and with both of his legs there are few in the seven kingdoms that could beat him.

Jeor Mormont vs. Rodrick Cassel

Outcome: Rodrick Cassel 54 wins

Why: Old man battle 2.0.  Rodrick seems to have his shit together a little more.  But just a little.

Jon Snow vs. Theon Greyjoy

Outcome: Jon Snow 87 wins

Why: Greyjoy is really only good from range and the real problem here is that Snow and Ghost are too quick for him.  Maybe one out of four times he’ll get a lucky draw but that’s about it.

Joffrey Baratheon vs. Beric Dondarion

Outcome: 89 wins

Why: Berric may be beat to shit.  But he got beat to shit fighting men, not prostitutes.  So the edge has to go to him for sure.

Viserys Targaryen vs Loras Tyrell

Outcome: Loras Tyrell 98 wins

Why: There aren’t anymatch ups in the first round more lopsided and satisfying as this one.  They may both be pretty boys but one of them kicks all the ass.

Gendry vs. Syrio Forell

Outcome: Syrio Forell 93 wins

Why: A for effort you bastard.  But the truth is Syrio Forell would make quick work of the blacksmith.

Benjen Stark vs. Brynden Tully

Outcome: Benjen Stark 80 wins

Why: Benjen Stark may not be Eddard and he may not be Robb but he is a brother of the night’s watch, and a ranger at that.  Brynden Tully may seem to ooze competence next to his worthless nephew but there is one thing

Anguy vs. Roose Bolton

Outcome: Anguy 54 wins

Why: Because I said so!  Anguy, my vote for black horse in this bracket, is as dirty with the bow as Bolton is with his soul.  Bolton might be able to close the gap on Anguy sometimes but a close win is still a win in my books.

Ilyn Payne vs. Mirri Maz Duur

Outcome: Ilyn Payne 90 wins

Why: Mirri Maz Duur may be a black hearted witch from the dessert lands of esos but there’s not much she can do against Ilyn Payne unless she gets lucky.  Or you know help of the devil or some shit.

Qhorin Halfhand vs. Hodor

Outcome: Qhorin Halfhand 85 wins

Why: If Hodor had an inch of intelligence or an ounce of anger in his body Halfhand wouldn’t stand much of a chance.  But the fact is Halfhand is pretty good at killing wildlings and Hodor is pretty bad at defending his gigantic body.

Jaqen H’ghar vs. Brienne of Tarth

Outcome: Brienne of Tarth 73 wins

Why: This one hurt my soul down deep.  But I mean Brienne is strong as fuck, and as skilled as they come.  Jaqen H’ghar may be capable of tons of things we have no idea about but the fact is, we have no idea.  As it goes in a straight up fight, Brienne has the clear advantage.

Meera Reed vs. Mance Rayder

Outcome: Mance Rayder 86 wins

Why: Mance is bigger, stronger, more ruthless, more experienced, and more accustomed to killing that the Reed girl.

Grey Worm vs. Dagmer Cleftjaw

Outcome: Grey Worm 87 wins

Why: Dagmer Cleftjaw is with Theon so it’s clear that he has is not the best that the iron islands has to offer.  And Grey Worm is the best of the Unsullied.  The match up isn’t entirely one-sided but it’s also not not one-sided.

Edmure Tully vs. Jaime Lannister

Outcome: Jaime Lannister 87 wins

Why: One is incompetence incarnate and the other has the reputation of being the greatest fighter in all of Westeros.

Stannis Baratheon vs. Craster

Outcome: Stannis Baratheon 72 wins

Why: Probably all that incest and infanticide has tired out Craster over the years.  He talked a big game but died really quick when it came down to it.  While Stannis isn’t the legendary fighter either of his brothers were I have no doubt brooding anger will win out over lethargy in this case.

Mero vs. Arya Stark

Outcome: Mero 78 wins

Why: T’were this a contest of awesome Arya would be a shoo-in, unfortunately for Arya it isn’t.  And she just isn’t good enough yet to take down one of the commanders of the Second Son’s.  Plus, no Nymeria.

Yara Greyjoy vs. Robert Baratheon

Outcome: Yara Greyjoy 53 wins

Why: I think this may be the official first upset of the tournament.  Robert was the bee’s knees when it came to dismembering and beheading his enemies.  But “was” was a very long time ago.  Unfortunately for Robert Yara is no slouch with the axe either.

Khal Drogo vs. Xaro Xhoan Daxos

Outcome: Khal Drogo 92 wins

Why: Do I even need to?

Gregor Clegane vs. Tywin Lannister

Outcome: Gregor Clegane 88 wins

Why: Barring a great moment of luck, or Tywin’s ability to jedi mind trick The Mountain into killing himself this is a pretty assured oucome.

Ygritte vs Eddison Tollett

Outcome: Ygritte 64 wins

Why: They are both pretty crafty but the fact is, Eddison still fights with too much honor for his own good.  And he’s not nearly as good as his teacher, Jon Snow.

Ramsay Snow vs. Bronn

Outcome: Bronn 87 wins

Why: Actually getting to watch my favorite character kill one of my least favorite (he might be second to last behind that fuckhead Stannis Baratheon) would be so satisfying.  Alas I doubt it shall ever happen, but this is good enough for me right now.

Kovarro vs. Sandor Clegane

Outcome: Sandor Clegane 78 wins

Why: It is true that Kovarro is far more live than the heavily armored Sandor.  But as we have seen, the Dothraki’s kryptonite is armor and big swords.  Both of which The Hound has in spades.

Pyat Pree vs Shagga

Outcome: Shagga 52 wins

Why: I lobbied for days and months and weeks to get this decision overturned but to no avail.  I genuinely think Pyat Pree would best the pee-brained Shagga.  But my counterparts insisted otherwise.  Probably because of the Stonecrow’s skill in battle and the legendarily sharp blade of Shagga.

Daenerys Targaryen vs. Vardis Egen

Outcome: Daenerys Targaryen 63 wins

Why: Season three dragons ain’t shit.  And in fact the vote on this one was split 2/3 mostly because the champion of the Vale making quick work of three disorganized baby dragons is hardly an impossibility.  And with no dragons Dani is just a 16 year old girl.

Full Bracket Through Round One

click to enlarge